Evil Plastic Santa: The Big "L" at the Friar's Roast by Gary H.

“Commercialism for commercialism’s sake is just plain wrong (just say no). Keep it real or not at all. That’s what I like about Attila the Hun. He keeps it real” said Satan at an extravagant toast to his friar’s club (no pun intended) in hell: “To Wisconsin, a state with a lot of heart…filled with deadly amounts of cholesterol.” No one laughed at first until they realized that if someone didn’t fake laugh and start a “wave of laughter” soon then there would be hell to pay (no pun intended). The Hell Friars roast was doing a lampoon of Attila the Hun. Attila the Hun wrote a screenplay once. Nobody liked it. He pitched it has a buddy comedy between a roman emperor and a slave/jester that are forced to go on the run (for some reason). He pitched it as a “Tango & Cash” meets “Midnight Run”. It was awful. Terribly written; hackney written and stilted. Attila was a good general (most people agreed), but not a good screenwriter (though no one ever told him otherwise). But to his credit there was one funny scene involving the Jester and the Emperor in the brothel but other than that it was bad to worse. He wanted his buddy Sam Peckinpah to direct it and he wanted Satan to produce it. Satan doesn’t like producing. He produced a buddy comedy with Bette Midler once, from a screenplay that his wife wrote and ever since he prefers distributing movies more than making them. “Attila the Hun, more like: Attila the no-fun”, Satan cracked a joke and he laughed, everyone else fake laughed along. It was rather pathetic. Even Attila wanted to say something but he knew better. The rest of Satan’s portion of this roast was even worse. But nobody told him anything other than: “This was the greatest roast ever”.