Evil Plastic Santa: Life, Scripted

Life’s always easier when it’s scripted, so let’s try and script every moment of our life from here on in until the end of time and hope we don’t forget our carefully prepared lines or miss our own prepared queues. Let’s also not forget one important truth about a script, or anything scripted: There has to be conflict. There has to be drama. A scripted life is always better when there’s drama, real or imagined. You’ll need a villain of course: an abusive boyfriend, an annoying girlfriend, an asshole boss, a pain in the ass parent (if that’s what you’ve got or want). A good guy is only as good as the bad guy he conquers. So, we better have the best of villains, the worst…I mean a great situation to overcome or else we’ll be writing ourselves as really boring characters and the story will go nowhere fast. So, we’ll need good villains or else we can never be a truly great protagonist and without a great protagonist the story will always fall flat. For the story to be good though. We’ll need a major flaw.

We’ll need major flaws for our “life script”. Flaws that could lead to our own undoing. We will need a kryptonite of sorts. Sex, Booze, Drugs, shyness, indecisiveness, a need for love and acceptance; the inability to get it for whatever reason or having too much of it: Caring to much, giving it your all - but its not enough. It’ll never be enough. We also need the major flaw to get in the way of a most desired outcome. We need to get the girl at the end, but first we need to have a “No girl” problem before that can be resolved. We must be able to conquer the person who is preventing us from getting our problem resolved. The big dumb jock whose dating the girl we like, who bullied us since grade o’four. I call him “The Chet”. He drinks beer, loves football and thinks date rape is a woman’s idea for a good time. Some call him “the Stifler” but I liked Stifler. He was the only one of the guys in those movies that wasn’t completely full of shit. He knew who he was and didn’t apologize (they tried in the third pie film but didn’t succeed). Jim and Oz – they were full of shit, but not Stifler. He loved pussy and wanted as much of it as he could get. Oz wanted "commitment" and there was a reason he didn't get a third slice of pie (he was a boring character, completely unused in the second film). In real life the Stifler’s do get laid because even thought they might be jerks they are honest about there jerkiness. The "Nice Guys" want to get laid, but are too much of a wuss or nice guy to admit it to others and most importantly...themselves. However in the word of our fictional lives the Chet’s and Stifler’s will always be seen for what they really are before it's way too late: before misery, before infedility and divorce. For the story to work you have to be the opposite of "the Chet" and Chet has to be the opposite of you. He has to be the villain. Someone has to be...why not him?

Real life however is no place for the fictionalization of reality. You, yourself can never be this character. He's the bad guy, you're the good guy. Chet must be the villain, the most horrible definition of humanity concieveable. The kind of scumbag that gets the universal consensus of scumbaggery, and be punished accordingly). Stifler has to drink beer in cum, get pissed on, eat some dog shit, and fuck someone’s grandma. No matter how “cool” he might appear to be, he’s not. You can like the villain but in the end the villain has to get there just desserts. Their uppings must come or there will be hell to pay. Chet gets dumped and humiliated in public and revealed to be the real jerk that he is. Have you ever noticed that in movies it’s always in public somehow? At a wedding, airport, graduation, town hall meeting? The Chet’s have to humiliated in public somehow, exposed for the entire world to see (perhaps there something very primal about being or enjoy someone being ostracized). The main character gets to make his stand and tell the girl of his dreams how he feels about her and she always swoons over him in a way that infers that she’s always felt the some way about him. TRUE LOVE. This is how the script will go.

Enjoy the life scripted you’ve created. The more villains the better, the more resolutions the better. It’s your life script. Make it the best script possible because if you tell a lie long enough and get enough people to believe it than it does become true, or “true” enough. Without contradictory evidence this “truth” becomes THE ONLY TRUTH, or the only truth most people will accept. So lie on because it isn’t considered lying until you get caught. Enjoy your script.